Peace With the Past - March 4, 2025

A week after leaving rehab in Utah, where I had just spent the past year, I started school at a small private Catholic high school in the middle of my junior. I was thrilled for a fresh start—a place where no one knew what I had been through, where I could redefine myself without the weight of my past holding me down. I didn’t want to tell anyone about my experience. I was ashamed, afraid of being judged, and just wanted to blend in as a normal kid—though I was far from that.

But word spread fast. Of course. I was the new kid who showed up out of no where with some wild stories attached to her name, most true, a few not.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that no matter how much I tried to outrun my past, it would always follow me. And whether I liked it or not, I had to find a way to make peace with it—to shift my perspective, accept my story, and embrace what made me who I am.

The past is a strange thing—it has the power to stir up a whirlwind of emotions. Some memories fill us with happiness and nostalgia, making us want to relive them, while others bring deep regret, leaving us wishing they had never happened at all.

Unfortunately, much of my past—especially my teenage years—is tied to painful memories I wish I could erase.

I've spent a lot of time distancing myself from my past because it carries so much shame, guilt, hurt, embarrassment, and sorrow. The weight of those memories is overwhelming, so I’ve deliberately pushed them away, avoiding the thoughts and feelings that come with them. When something triggers a deeply buried memory, it hits me like a shock, shifting my mood. I don’t like these unwarranted memories resurfacing. 

Thinking about my past doesn’t fill me with pride or happiness. It feels foreign, like I’m looking back at a version of myself that I no longer recognize. When I reflect on who I was ten years ago, it’s almost impossible to believe that person was me. I can’t fathom some of the things I thought or the choices I made. I know that making mistakes, learning, and growing is part of life, but I still struggle to accept who I used to be.

At the same time, I’m grateful for the distance I’ve put between myself and that old version of me. I’ve changed so much that I no longer see myself in who I once was—and for that, I’m relieved. I am proud that I see life through a new lens and handle situations in a way I never could before. I’ve learned, I’ve grown, and I’ve evolved, just as everyone does. 

Every experience—good or bad—has made you who you are today. Since the past is never going to go away, I’ve learned to take the pain of my past and transform it into gratitude, reshaping the narrative of my upbringing. I’m proud of who I am because, without the hardships I faced, I wouldn’t have the empathy, perspective, creativity, or strength I have now.

Every challenge, mistake, and lesson contributes to growth and resilience. By accepting where we’ve been, we reclaim our power, recognizing that our struggles have led us to the present. No matter how much you dwell on the past, you can’t change what has happened. Choose to move forward without being burdened by what’s beyond your control. 

Your past doesn’t define you, but it’s undeniably a part of who you are. So, give yourself grace for the mistakes you’ve made—you were likely doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. While you can’t rewrite the past, you have an entire future ahead to shape the next chapters of your story with wisdom, growth, and intention.

The Overthinking Monster - February 19, 2025

I think and think and think, and then I think some more. It’s very tiring but it's also one of my greatest strengths. 

My mind is always active—constantly searching, analyzing, and questioning. Overthinking protects me. It helps me anticipate outcomes and prepares me for anything. Every situation has one final outcome, but I imagine 20 other possibilities, so that if any of them occur, I’m ready. But this constant mental preparation comes at a cost—it’s exhausting. I spend so much time worrying about things that will never happen, trapped in a negative headspace, and wasting energy on scenarios that don’t exist.

Overthinking makes me hyper-aware of nuanced actions and tones, allowing me to empathize deeply with others. But it also fuels my anxiety —what if I misread that glance, that message, or even that silence? I convince myself that someone does not like me, and ruminate over (seemingly) meaningless interactions, finding reasons to criticize myself even when none are needed.

It has also cost me many opportunities. I analyze future events until they seem far bigger and more daunting than they actually are, making it harder to take risks or put myself out there, invoking anxiety and self-doubt. If I avoid making a decision, I can’t make the wrong one—or at least that’s how I rationalize it. I often overthink the fear of not choosing the “right” path, but the truth is, it’s rare for anyone to know the perfect choice in every situation.

Manifestation is built on focusing on the good, attracting positivity by believing in it. But when you are caught in loops of everything that could go wrong, those fears can materialize. When I stress about money, I go to my car and find a parking ticket. When I worry that a relationship won’t last, fights begin to occur. When I doubt that I’ll be a successful artist, I shut down creatively. My mind becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Debilitating, false, negative thoughts distort my view of myself, my relationships, and my reality—often for no reason at all. Overthinking is both a strength and a downfall. The challenge lies in learning how to harness it: to use its benefits, like feeling prepared for anything, without succumbing to the spiral of stress, anxiety, and unwarranted emotions that threaten to consume us. 

And how do we do this, you may ask? Well, I definitely don’t have it all the answers, but there are a few things to keep in mind.

It’s important to focus on what’s within your control and let go of what isn’t. I often catch myself overthinking things that I have absolutely no control over, and in those moments, I remind myself to trust that everything happens for a reason and life will unfold the way it will. 

Deep breathing is a simple, physical thing I do to calm my anxiety and ground myself. It helps me step out of my head and reconnect with the present moment. Another strategy is talking to someone—getting advice or a fresh perspective can help you break out of the mental loop and feel less isolated in your thoughts. 

I have never liked the word “journaling” but literally writing out the thoughts that are consuming my brain allows me to take my worries and lay them out in front of me. Seeing them on paper can make it easier to identify what’s really going on and which thoughts are unnecessary. From there, I can start problem-solving or just let go of worries that no longer serve me.

Building confidence in yourself is also key. When you stop questioning yourself and start trusting your decisions, the overthinking begins to lose its power.

At the end of the day, we can’t think anything into existence—our actions are what truly make a difference. So don’t let your mind overpower your body. Instead, remember that your ability to think deeply and be self-aware is a real gift.

What is The Reason? - February 3, 2025

People seek comfort, stability and meaning in higher powers, often tied to religion, which can be intimidating. But higher powers can be anything- AA programs emphasize this, teaching that surrendering to something greater than yourself is key to acceptance and healing.

Mine is the belief that things fall into place as they should. I don’t believe in luck; I believe in hard work, signs (seashells, butterflies, sunsets), and the lessons hidden in every experience. The “reason” is the force that keeps me hopeful, pushes me forward, and helps me stay positive through life’s challenges. Maybe not everything happens for a reason, but believing that things will work out as they should allows me to face difficulties with less fear and more hope. It keeps my mindset open, helping me see setbacks as lessons rather than failures. Life is rarely black and white; even in the hardest moments, there’s often something good to be found.

You can probably look back at a difficult time and see how it shaped you- maybe it made you stronger, brought you closer to someone, made you change your lifestyle, taught you a lesson, gave you a new hobby, showed you what you value. Sometimes these meanings take years to come forward, maybe you never fully know what they are.

If a relationship doesn’t work out, that person was not meant to be in your life. If you missed a turn on the road, maybe something bad would’ve happened if you made it. If things were supposed to work out, they would’ve. The simplicity of this mindset helps you let go of what holds you back allows you to move forward lighter and freer.

Whether you believe in a divine path or pure chance, believing that even the smallest good can emerge from any situation, will help you face challenges with confidence. Embrace what enters your life, and don’t hesitate to let go of anything that no longer supports your happiness, success, growth, and well-being.

Everything happens for a reason—or maybe it doesn’t. But tell yourself it does, and you’ll find the good around you.

A Preface - January 28, 2025

There are no groundbreaking theories or new, profound ideas to share here.. no revolutionary advice for those searching for identity. How could I give advice to people searching for who they are if I’m not sure who I am?

This is simply an exploration of growth—of looking back to understand how small decisions set massive chain reactions into motion. Our unpredictable lives ensure we will continue to experience moments of isolation, self-discovery, love, loss, joy, and everything in between, again and again. We will feel these emotions in different capacities and view them through different lenses, but these feelings remain universal and can connect us in ways we don’t immediately recognize.

This is a place to reflect, to recognize the patterns in our pasts, and to find connection in shared experiences. The lessons learned may differ in the details, but the emotions behind them are often the same. Take what you need and leave what you don’t. But make space for your own understanding along the way.